Two hardest months in Jans and my life just passed and it was the shortest summer we ever had. So many things have happened and many of them i left away for digesting some time later. It was simply not possible to handle all at once. And now I feel like entering the second phase of being where i need to empty my head and start to get used to our new life.
I meet Jan every day in the hospital since the accident happened and i am glad to see that slowly he become stronger and his condition is stabilizing. He is breathing good and probably next week doctors will take out the tracheostomy tube from his neck. That is probably the biggest change till now. There happened some other small things, for eg. once Jan felt pain in his feet, because there was a needle attached to this feet letting medicaments flow in his vein. He asked nurses to change the position of this needle and the pain stopped. That was something positively taken by the doctors. But still they don’t want to say the latest diagnosis and are avoiding for giving more hope. Since last week Jan feels his arms warming very much and it activates the feeling from inside the arms. However, Jan still can’t feel the light touch below his shoulders and it doesn’t look like some more other feelings would be back.
We do enjoy our time when having food together, watching movies, chatting. Spending all day in the hospital with Jan involves the tooth brushing in the evenings and washing Jans body with cold water when he feels too hot. Jan can’t sweat like he used to do before and therefore he can’t regulate the temperature in his body. I say goodnight to Jan at around 11pm and cycling home another 40min. Its obvious that my routine now is extremely tough and i feel like a car driving full speed for two months already. But not seeing Jan is harder then making all this effort. Of course, i am really thankful for those who offered to stay longer with Jan some evenings and i could leave earlier. Thankful for Jans mum, who will stay all first October week with Jan and i will go to Lithuania to see my mum.
People advice us to get used to staying alone on our own. That is exactly what scares me most. Jan spends hours alone when he wakes up at night and can’t fall asleep, then in the mornings when he waits for nurses to come and start his morning routine. He sleeps better these days, but every time the temperature hits him, he has a very bad moments. A lot of time to think through what has happened and how to accept the new reality.